flesheatingammonite: (Default)
An open letter to my ex:

It's unlikely you'd say anything at all, since hiding me from anyone who might know you has always been your biggest concern, but if you were to tell anyone the reason we broke up, it would be that I am transgendered.

You would tell people we broke up because I am trans. Don't try to pretend that's not what you've been blaming all of this on. I don't doubt that it is the reason you lost interest me, but know this.

It is not why *I* am breaking up with *you*.

Yes, my coming out to you a year ago, three years into a relationship I felt safe and accepted in, WAS in fact the catalyst for your utter loss of interest in me, it is not the reason I broke up with you.

It is the reason you should have broken up with me. Right then, right there, because let me tell you, I could have gone without the lies, the bullshit and the pressure you piled onto me, and all the shit you put me through up to the very end.

You have argued you stayed with me for my "saftey". The reality is that you were so uninvested in me as a person, that you failed to see how far I'd come from when we first began dating. You thought I was still that depressed, suicidal individual who clung to you like a life line.

Onece upon a time, I was like that, you were the first positive, consenting relationship I'd ever had.

But people change, and grow and recover, and guess what? I did.

But you didn't see any of that, you saw a potential loss of sexual interest and gain when I told you that I was really a boy and finally figured it out. You focused on that far more than I ever did as a detriment to the relationship. I was justifiable stressed, worried and self conscious, always thinking of giving in to compromise, putting off things like my medical needs, possible plans for surgery, and even compromising by picking a less masculine name. All to appease and comfort you. I did everything in my power to help you to understand and to make it easier for you, because you made me think there was hope.

You promised you would *try*.

My gender identity didn't "ruin" this relationship, you did. You never wanted to take responsibility for telling me you were uninterested because you truly believed I was so weak I would kill myself over you. I wasn't depressed at the fear of losing you, I was depressed over ow you ignored me, how you took me for granted, and how afraid I was to express any part of myself in the relationship.

You were too concerned with your own desires to see that you were neglecting me, rejecting me daily, intentionally misgendering me. I stopped believing you loved me because it your actions contradicted your words so heavily. Not because I was depressed and warped thinking couldn't let me see your true undying love.

I broke up with you because even if I was that "normal" cisgendered girl you wanted me to be, you still would never have consciously treated me like an equal. You never even treated me like a proper "boyfriend" would in the first place.

You are lazy, selfish, complacent, childish, willfully ignorant, stubborn and conceited.

You are not a healthy person in mind or body and you pushed your lifestyle onto me ny trying to convince me to take up negative thought patterns that are so obviously signs of apathy and depression that I can't believe you do't see that you never "beat" your depression of "got over it". But still, you tell me I am the one with the emotional problems, that I need to just "get over".

Even your mother knows you're depressed.

You are an escapist and a computer addict. You can't put down a game for five seconds to talk with me.

You once said that to you a "girlfriend" was "someone convenient".

That is not how girlfrineds, or people for that matter, even work. People are selfish, incomprehensible, feeling, thinking beings and we are the most inconvenient things on the planet, but when we establish relationships, we work around that.

Spending Quality Time was conditional: When it was by means and at times convenient for you.

Your support and concern was conditional (and shitty): Only by your standards could I cope with my emotions and mental illnesses.

Where your "conditions" hurt me the most was in your sexual selfishness.

You never made love to me unconditionally: Your way or the high way.

I learned very quickly that I had reason to fear rejection when expressing my new found capability for healthy sexual interest. You thought of and talked to me like a sexual being, and when I spoke of you in the same way, you expressed discomfort. It's okay for you to find me hot, but not the other way around. You never enthusiastically or willingly reciprocated anything, even after I told you repeatedly how much it meant for me, and how therapeutic it could have been. Instead you just drove the nails deeper. Being sexually assaulted taught me that my consent meant nothing.

Being sexually taken for granted by you taught me that I was expendable. Being sexually denied told me that my desires were unworthy because they didn't always fit into your little bubble of heteronormativity. I never pressed anything on you, but you subtly forced me into a heterosexual bubble that tore me apart because it was the only way you would even look at me. Being told that I was a "hassle" and "took too long" for you too tak the time to take care of my sexual needs after I'd spent hours on yours

You refused to give me the solidarity, support and acceptance I needed so badly from someone like you in my life because it would "encourage me" to become the person you never wanted me to be.

The bottom line is that you are a wholey self centered person, and are not mature enough to handle being in a relationship that concerns anyone's needs but your own. People aren't convenient and never will be. If you don't learn that your homophobia, racism and apathy are what hold you back from interacting with others in healthy, meaningful ways you will never, ever find someone else. I am not your last chance, and I did not waste your time, you should have just taken responsibility and broken up with me a long time ago, because all you did was insult my strength and build up this fantasy that you were the strong boyfriend taking care of your sexually confused little girlfriend.

Your experiences do not excuse your rude behavior, your narrow minded definitions of sexuality and gender are not based on fact, your blatant homophobia is not "agreeing to disagree" and no, just because every black or Latino person you meet in fucking retail just so happens to meet the "ghetto" archetype you are familiar with from high school, or can't speak legible English does not, and NEVER WILL make stereotypes "true" or "acceptable" and yes, wanting an "easy life" where everything is handed to you is selfish and childish and you can't have that with me, or anyone else on this planet.

You need to grow the fuck up. I am not your mother surrogate, I am not your cook, I am not your sexual gratification doll, or your girlfriend. I was your *boyfriend* and always will have been. You can't erase me and what or who I am. You dated a trans man, treated him like shit and took him for granted. May you never get head quite as good for as long as you live, you colossal butt hole.

And you know what? I would have been fine if you'd just dumped me right then and there when I came out.

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August 2016

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